Thursday, September 16, 2010

'Twas the night before, the night before ( an open letter to Liz from the rat)

'Twas the night before Open Studios
And all through the Nut
Not a creature was stirring
none except for the rat.

His evidence had been found
Though we'd used a trapper.
He'd left behind dog treats
And a fragrant brie wrapper.

"Oh, Liz," he'd say
If he could speak.
"I'm smarter than you
And I should now think,
That you would provide me
With things that are nutty,
Food that is juicy
And nothing too cruddy"

"I'm more than a rat,
I'm vermin, I'm weasel.
I'm plague and I'm icky,
I squeak and I squeezle"

"And if you can't meet
my demands in your lair,
Your dogs will be first
The one with the black hair."

"It's Pixie, I'm sure
She's the one that I want.
She's smelly and stupid
And no doubt piquant."

"Squeeze her into that trap,
I'll nibble her toes
She'll soon stop that yapping
When it's off with her nose!"

"I do like it here,
it's so fun, so artistic!
So exciting, so thrilling,
and sometimes quite spastic!"

"But the fun shall soon end
As I am a fiend,
Cause the one that I want,
Is the dog you call 'Been' ".

"I've seen her cavorting,
scampering and hopping.
Pooping and pissing,
All requiring mopping"

So if you can stand it
Or I'll take my leave,
Meet my demands and
You'll not have to grieve."

Chicken, potatoes,
Fois Grais and cheese!
Crackers and sausage,
Make it spicy, oh please!"

"Salmon and cupcakes,
Bread now and then.
I hear that you're able
to get some from Ken."

"My set up is good,
This drawer is ok,
I'm here when you're sleeping,
When you're up, I go play."

"So let me please ask
As the humblest of critters,
If you'd mind if I stayed
Or would you get the skitters?"

"I could mop, I could clean
I could wash all the dishes
I could be your best friend,
And fulfill all your wishes."

"We'll be happy, I swear it
With these modifications
Once demands are all met,
With quality libations."

"So let me please stay
I implore you dear heart.
And you won't hear a sound,
Not a peep, not a fart. "



  1. oh.,,reeeealllY?
    pray tell mr fat little rat
    Too smart for me?
    While you're living the rat life of luxury

    I wouldnt bet my dollars on you
    The brie wrapper incident was unnerving,
    tis true
    the peanut butter caper shocking-
    I came unglued

    too smart for me?
    I love a good challenge

    I'll get you my pretty and keep my little dogs too!

    What can I concoct?
    a sure killer device
    a mere bit of cheese
    it gets all the mice
    But an unusual rat.. a special artist breed
    A game of woman vs rat
    can I hear you say pleeeease?
    For a solution unfailing I am in need
    too enticing it must be -logded in a hinge -
    engineered indeed. I am determined to win

    sweet carrot dressed in a stinky goat cheese-
    wired unmovable- no way to cheat me

    chopped your fat little head
    And i am NOT sorry

    Tell the other rats in town- they all better worry
    to be sure Liz the rat killer is cunning,
    devious, devoted to her core
    deluxe rat pethouse in my linen drawer?
    NO MORE!

  2. Way to go, Kate. There aren't nearly enough poems that end with the word "fart."


  3. there once were two fine ladies of art
    who wrote prose using the word fart
    though daring and risky and unladylike
    twas better than an old shopping cart

    Stereotypical pastimes- for us-I think Not
    approaching fifty...hmmph so what- we're HOT
    Wont find US at high tea
    knitting circles or parties
    painting portraits, smoking cigars thats more the spot

    fart fart..fart fart fart
    let the stinky puff free
    we all do it secretly
    celebrate we say - why nart?